no words in this vernacular. . .

I offer the following selected definitions from the vocabulary of a thirteen month old Des Plaines boy named Benjamin:

oh ah
That would be the arrangement of syllables Ben chooses to slur together after seeing something fall from his hand. In lieu of the traditional “uh-oh”.

ahhhoooh?
As he picks up, opens and turns backward his mommy’s cell phone, then tilts his head to the side and brings the phone to his ear, this is the sound Ben utters over the receiver in lieu of “Hello”.

[guttural noise]
Benjamin’s reply to the question, “Benjamin, what sound does a tiger make?”

rrrrrrrrrr - or - fffffffffff
How Ben responds to, “Benjamin! Look at the puppy-dog outside!”

ccc-ttte
What Benjamin utters just before he pulls on our cat Callie’s tail as she tries to sneak by.

mmmm
Benjamin is hungry or he wants more. Or [if repeated incessantly] “I really like that!”

da da da
Not would you would think. This one is sometimes used to refer to the paterfamilias, though you’ll more frequently hear it anytime that he is feeling energetic or agressive.

ma. ma.
You have to picture this one to truly appreciate it. . . While starting the “mmmm” sound, Ben tightly closes his lips, generating the power to belt out the “Ah!” in staccato, then quickly closes his mouth, sticks his bottom lip out and wrinkles his nose. Two seconds later: rinse, recycle, repeat.

nnna
This one comes before bedtime, after mommy tells him “night-night”.

ah-ah-ah
This is what runs through Benjamin’s cranium after he hears mommy say “no”:

“No? What did you say? No? All right! No! Okay, No! I’ll do it again! No! Again! No! No! Here she comes! No! Tee-hee, mommy’s coming! No, Benjamin! No! Here she is! Hi, mommy! Did you see me?! Did you see what I did?! No-no! I know! Wasn’t that cool?! I’ll do it again! No! Hi mommy! I love it when mommy picks me up! Hi mommy! No! I love you! No!”

So in order to re-claim the use of the negative, Anna has added “ah-ah-ah” to the ending. No! Ah-ah-ah! Benjamin smiles, repeats the phrase, and [so far] stops doing the dirty deed that prompted his mommy’s attention. My question is, what happens when we need to add another suffix to that phrase in order to keep him in line? And another? Such is the joy and uncertainty of parenting.

Did I say joy? I meant da da da da da!

i'm no superman

Now we are making our second revolution around the calendar. This weekend Anna will experience her second Mother’s Day, and I’ll bet that this time she’ll sleep through the night. Don’t ask me what I got her yet, because I. . . am. . . uh. . . keeping it a secret.

Speaking of Mother’s Day. . . In all the gratitude that I spread across the universe in the previous couple of blogs, I failed to show much appreciation for Ben’s third mother: his all-day-long enthusiastic, gracious, marvelous, stunning mother Melinda who makes sure our Benjamin is very well taken care of every other Friday so that her co-worker and friend, Anna, can catch a sleep break between consecutive nights on at the hospital. I don’t think she knows the degree to which her Benny-sitting efforts have helped the sanity level in our household, and I don’t think we could ever thank her enough. Please, please, please have a happy Mother’s Day, Melinda – and thank you for helping us mold our little boy into something wonderful.

So. . . besides drooling and babbling so much I don’t know whether to wipe his face or stuff the soaked towel in his mouth, Ben is doing just fine. He is pushing a couple more teeth through his gums, hence the drooling, bringing the total to 14 or so chompers. Recently his favorite activities have included: talking on his pretend phone (which he holds backwards), making little Indian sounds with his hand over his mouth (excuse me, little Native-American sounds), making be-de-be-de-be-de sounds with his fingers on his lips, throwing things (I’m starting to realize the imprudence of teaching him to throw a baseball), walking (or falling down, depending on how you see the water glass), standing atop any stationary object he can climb onto, and of course, wide-mouthed laughing (that’s just a given at this point). Anna and I are enjoying the added freedom that comes with his sense of independence, though I am now beginning to understand why our parents all struggled with the duality of letting their children go, while at the same time praying for the day that they would all just please leave.

And the other night I had a terrifically vivid dream that Anna gave birth to a baby girl that we named Elise. I also dreamed that I missed the delivery because I was flying above the roof of an abandoned building using a pair of plastic oars for wings. I consulted a dream dictionary (which Anna bought me when we were juniors in high school) and to the best of my deciphering abilities this means that I am trying to escape the peak of a life-wasted by bringing a new life into my own, but in my panic I have missed the dawn of that new life, my own cheap attempts to breakout the very reason for my renewed heartache. But because the dream seemed to me a happy dream (I love flying!), I just figured it meant that Anna was pregnant with a baby girl (no, she is not) and I am Superman (no, I am not). I just wonder what the deal is with the plastic oars. . .

bullpen session

Okay – just one more. . . Thank you to everyone who came to see Ben for his birthday and for all the fine gifts you brought for him. You are truly too generous. Thank you. It was great seeing everyone we don’t normally get a chance to see, and I know for a fact that Ben feels the same way. I mean, did you see the look on his face when he saw you? Bliss.

Now that that’s out of the way. . .

Ben’s been getting around the living room perpendicular to the ground for about a week-and-a-half now, but the last few days he’s made some serious progress. How much fun it must be to discover such new things every day. Can you imagine? Ben learning to walk would be akin to me learning to fly, or discovering how to eat less. One minute you didn’t know that it was even possible, the next minute you’re cruising around the house on two feet.

Everyone who learns of Ben’s new ability remarks with the standard “Walking, huh? Oh you’re in for it now!” Obviously these people haven’t spent much time with our mongo Benjamin. Ben has been standing-up for months now, and because he’s so damn tall he’s already explored every cabinet, countertop, refrigerator water-dispenser, stairway, closet, and toilet to the point of tedium. If anything, Ben is even more manageable since he started walking. Just like when he started sitting up and later crawling, he’s less frustrated now that he can move at will. And the energy he expends walking, falling, and getting back up again makes for longer nap times and a mentally-healthier mom. Ben has been a squirming handful since he was 6 weeks old, never content to sit still, and now that he’s walking I’m sure his only discontent lies in not getting places fast enough. I’m sure he’ll address that problem shortly.

While I’m writing this, Ben calls me on my cell phone – Anna lets him play with her phone once in a while, and we had to move my number to the top of her phone-list so Ben would stop calling Anna’s friend Adam. He just hung up.

Anyhoo, life has been landing buttered-side-up so far at the start of Ben’s second year. Ben spends a good part of his day playing with all his new toys and when it’s not raining, going for walks around the block and playing on the slide at the park. The laughing is, as always, persistent, though because Ben is learning more and more about the word “NO” and the disappointed look on his parents’ face that accompanies that awful phrase, frowns are appearing more frequently than ever before. It’s just so hard keeping your own smile in check when you see that pitiful look on his face, because YOU know that it’s no big deal, but for now, and for a long time to come, HE thinks you just disowned him as your child and stopped loving him for all eternity. I stand by my opinion that babies his age are just a small twist of the DNA strand apart from dogs. Ben wants so much to please us, but he is discovering his independence with every minute that passes, and I fear the day that now appears to be rushing in upon us, when baby Benjamin discovers that his parents don’t know diddly, and if he works the system just right he can get away with almost anything he wants. I suppose Anna and I will have to do our best to keep that nonsense in check, but I have a feeling based on the actions of every toddler I’ve ever seen or heard of, that these next two years are going to be something of a challenge. But it will all be downhill after that, right?

And oh yes – we also learned how to throw a baseball. I have been trying for a couple of weeks but now he’s able to do it all on is own - and it actually looks pretty good! New York Yankees, here we come! Only seventeen more years until Ben signs his first major league contract. . .