The Ascent of Man

So our Ben is moving up in the world. Well, actually, Ben has been physically moving “up” at record pace, but that’s not what I was going to tell you. Then again. . . okay, now that I mentioned it, let’s just pull our truck over here to the right for a quick moment so I can tell you about this whole growing thing that Ben has been doing over the past 10 months. And by “growing” I mean “expanding to epic magnitudes.” And by “epic magnitudes” I mean, “HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL!”

I could actually spend time spouting the progression of his height and weight, or I could just show you a snippet from Ben’s growth chart. Let me point out the important stuff. The weight is charted on the graph at the bottom, and the height is charted above. I trimmed down the graph to show the most recent time period. Simple enough?


Okay, so now if you actually bothered to look at that picture, you’re probably wondering if the charts only go up to the 95th percentile, then what percentile would you call Ben? 105th? 120th? Ben is so big, he’s destroying the curve for all those poor little munchkins down in the 50th percentile. He’s so big he makes average kids look like toy poodles. Ben is literally off the charts. His weight is charted so damn high, it’s on the height chart! He’s so heavy, he actually weighs 35 inches.

And this is difficult for mom and dad. Because he is, after all, you know. . . three. He’s still a toddler. He still needs to be picked up and cuddled. He still likes to crawl into bed and squeeze between us in the morning . He still requires physical restraint at times. Have you ever gone fishing and caught a 42.5 pound marlin with your bare hands then tried to put shorts and a tee-shirt on it? Yeah, it goes something like that every day at our house. Except Ben has a few things that the fish doesn’t, like claws, a vocabulary, and a wicked right hook. And I haven't met a fish yet this side of the Mississippi that can eat a whole box of Macaroni and Cheese in one sitting.

So anyway. Let’s get this mutha back on the road. Ben is moving up in the world. Yes indeed! Anna and I are proud parents this day, because we found out Ben is being moved up an age-bracket at his day-care! He is currently a “peanut” with all the rest of the 2 and 3 year-olds, but starting next week he will officially be a “teddy bear” with the 4 and 5 year-olds. A whole 8 months early! Yes. My boy. My brilliant, charming, ever-expanding boy. Apparently the day-care (where he spends two days a week) chose the two brightest and bestest kids in that group to graduate to the teddy bear room a little early. Ben’s best friend in the world, Charlotte, is moving up too, and it’s a good thing Ben is going with because I don’t know if he’d survive without her. Charlotte, if you’ve never met her, is equally large and intelligent and - if it’s possible - even more energetic than Ben. Honestly, I still can’t figure out how the teachers make it through the day with the two of them and maintain enough energy to brush their own teeth at night. The husbands of these teachers, if they knew why, would be pissed at Ben and Charlotte because those two are probably responsible for completely trashing their sex lives.

So I’m bragging. I know. Ben is sooooo big, and soooooo smart. I’ll stop now. Next time I’ll write about all the terrible things Ben does to make up for it. Unfortunately, lately most of those things have been R-rated, so I don’t know if I should talk about them here. Let’s just say he’s been curiously obsessed with his. . .um. . . bits and pieces, and all the ways that he can manipulate them, exercise them, leave them hanging out of his underpants, etc.

My boy.